Nothing bothers me more than an unknown roadblock. Recently, I was in a stage of new beginning; I was boldly working toward building a beautiful new life in the midst of a lot of uncertainties. I pulled tarot cards for daily guidance, and I was repeatedly pulling cards that indicated that I was still resisting necessary change and harboring old patterns that were significantly blocking me. This stumped me; I was doing so much work each day (and had been for years) to get myself as liberated and aligned as possible. I was fine with the idea that I obviously still had work to do, but what bothered me was knowing that there was at least one significant blockage still standing in my way that I couldn’t even name.
It was sex healing that delivered the breakthrough; as I was working intentionally with the power of my sexual energy, I was delivered a message suddenly and clearly. It was one of those lightbulb moments, and the answer had everything to do with receptivity.
In so many ways, I was blocking myself from receiving in every sense. I was asking for guidance for divine energy to flow into my life in multiple forms of abundance, but when I actually received anything, I’d get very uncomfortable. This would manifest in many ways:
Anytime anyone did anything for me, I’d feel an immediate and paranoid need to make sure I repaid them somehow. I dreaded the idea that I was taking too much and not giving back enough.
I’d be very uncomfortable asking for what I needed, and would often understate my needs as much as possible to avoid “asking for too much.” This applied to salary negotiations, relationship dynamics, manifestations and even water. Whenever I’d be at someone else’s house, I’d always timidly ask “Could I steal a glass of water?” and they’d often remark about how ridiculous the notion of having to “steal” water was.
I’d get very uncomfortable when traveling and staying with other people; I’d be constantly anxious that I was imposing or taking up too much of someone else’s space.
In the realm of sexuality, I would have trouble reaching orgasm with a partner because my worry that I was “taking” too much and not “giving back” enough would keep me from being fully present.
Friends would remark about how I’d never let anyone take care of me or do anything for me. Meanwhile, I thought that I was taking so much from them.
If I received as much or more than I thought I deserved, I’d feel deep discomfort because rooted in a fear that I didn’t truly deserve it. If I received less than I thought I deserved or nothing at all (which was usually because I hadn’t asked for enough or anything in the first place,) I’d feel resentment.
Despite not being a particularly timid person, I’d had this complex around receptivity for as long as I could remember. Its roots, which were pervasive guilt and fear of unworthiness, came from many sources: my particular history of family abuse and trauma, my cultural and ancestral ties to guilt, and my past experiences with parasitic people and internalized fear of being “like them.” There was also, of course, the gendered component: our society constantly tells women to take up less space, to undercut our value, to not ask for what we deserve, etc.
Unpacking all of this has been one of the biggest breakthroughs in allowing myself to manifest and move through the world more easily. It’s a work in progress- right now I am being particularly mindful of these dynamics as they pop up, and consciously allowing them to dissolve so that I can re-pattern in healthy ways.
My goal is simple: to consistently ask for what I want, to receive it with ease and gratitude, and to bask in the love and energy flowing to me in whatever form. There’s a specific mantra I am working with, and it happens to be the very first mantra that was ever given to me. I hold rose wuartz in my left hand and my right hand on my heart and recite “Am I willing to receive this beauty, this harmony, this illumination? I open in receptivity.” I’d been using this spell for years, and at last I am actually allowing its words to flow into reality.
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