Welcome, sister! This is a personal blog post shared by Cassandra Wilder, the Lead Creatrix and Founder of GoddessCeremony.com. We hope you enjoy this post and please let us know what you think in the comments.
My tactic to let others know they hurt me for many years of my life was to get really mad and upset and then to sulk. As I sat in my own misery, I knew that they were feeling it too and then would realize what they had done TO me. Through my childhood, my adolescence and young adulthood, I gripped onto this emotional reaction because it was the only way I knew how to let others know how bad they hurt me. I also dragged this mechanism into relationships and as you can guess, I began to realize that this didn't really work.
After I while, people seemed to get tired of this reaction and would start to drift away. I pushed away a lot of potentially good relationships by sulking in the corner about disagreements. My family was exhausted and often reported that they felt like "they were walking on eggshells" around me. I was lonely and didn't understand why no one could understand me.
Maybe this resonates for you. Or maybe you have known someone that does this. This is a common theme that many of us have carried with us throughout life - to create a reaction to let others know how they have hurt us.
It wouldn't be until losing one of the most beautiful relationships that I had ever had that I would realize what I was doing.
I had always blamed others for my reactions. Had _____ not said that, THEN I wouldn't have gotten upset.
Not my fault.
But when I began to notice a pattern in my life, I began to listen. My pattern was exhausting others because of my emotional turmoil and then ultimately pushing them away.
Anytime we notice a pattern in our lives (dating the same type of guy, never being able to finish something, always having a job with dramatic coworkers, etc.) that is a HUGE reminder that very likely it is something within ourselves that is causing it. That very likely, we are the reason.
I'll be honest, had you told me that 8 years ago, I would have laughed in your face and then stormed off. Me?? How could I be responsible for these things??
And truly, it was ME. I was the cause of most, if not all, of the chaos in my life.
The first step in change is admitting that something needs to change. And I was finally ready..
I began to look a bit closer at myself and examine these patterns. Why did I feel upset so often? What about these other people triggered my own fears? And I began to find the root issues of these emotional reactions.
It was not my partner who was pushing my buttons. Rather, I was creating a story for myself because him walking away kind of reminded me of my abandonment of self.
I take responsibility for my actions, my beliefs and my life because I am the only person in the world who CAN be responsible. When we realize that we are the creators of our reality, we realize that we also have the power to change. We are not condemned or forced to live in one way. We can at any moment shift the direction of our path.
And so that is what I began to do.
I shifted my perception and that granted me the freedom to live authentically and with awareness.